I am going to offer some advice for people close to Trump. I don’t mean just people who are emotionally close to Trump, as in family and friends, though being emotionally close to Trump is hard to imagine. I mean more people physically close to Trump, as in people who are in the proximity of Trump and may be in danger of one kind or another.
Mike Pence: I hate to tell you this, but there are all of these signs across the country that say Trump Pence, like it is the first and last name of one guy. There are way too many of these signs for you to collect by driving around in your pickup truck, even if you have some help from your friends. Now, it is true that Trump is in a larger font than Pence, but this is still really bad. Your only hope for a future in politics is to do something historic, like be the first Vice President nominee to say, “I no longer support the top of the ticket.”
Reince Priebus: I think it is time to start focusing on candidates down ticket. Actually, you should have been doing this a few months ago, but better late than never.
Kellyanne Conway: Don’t be alone with this guy. You might also want to start carrying some mace. I would advise that you carry the strong stuff. Go to a backpacking store and ask for Bear Repellant.
Steven Bannon: Enjoy yourself. You have finally found that good buddy you’ve been looking for since you were about twelve years old and the normal guys in your school wouldn’t hang out with you because they thought you were a disgusting jerk.
Don King: Time to get that haircut and go into hiding.
Sarah Palin: This might be your moment to shine. I know Trump kind of dumped you after you gave that incoherent endorsement speech, but he might be reaching out (I mean that in a phone call way, not a groping way).
Ivanka Trump: I know he’s your father, but don’t let this guy be alone with your kids.
Trump Boys (Eric and Don, Jr.): In case you are looking at your father and thinking something like, “Well, that’s just the way guys talk when they are hanging out,” it’s not. You can’t find another father, but you can find another role model.
Chris Christie: You were pretty good at saying you didn’t know anything about that bridge thing. Maybe you could say, “I don’t know Donald Trump. I never supported him.” Keep saying it with that Jersey swagger thing you do so well. Everything will be okay.
Scott Baio: I know your career has not been going that great. Sorry about that. And, hate to say this, it’s not going to pick up anytime soon.
Ben Carson: I would suggest prayer, but I have to say I am not sure what you should pray for. Just start praying. You’ll figure it out.
Ted Cruz: You’re in good shape. That non-endorsement thing at the Republican National Convention—brilliant. Just hunker down and let everything around you explode. People will soon be looking to you as representing the moral high ground of the Republican party. Hard to imagine, I know.
Rudy Giuliani: I know you are thinking something like, “I thought I was smarter than this.” You’re not.